|
Midnight's · Symphony
Clarity leaks behind those eyes, so bright and blue like the morning sky.
 |
|
Happiness exudes like a criminal; Relief with pity. Such a guilty conscience,
licking its lips with the delectableness
of victory not yet won. These crimes I commit against myself
I cannot baptize.
I have no authority to sing
an absolution on my soul. Did I ever have good intentions? Was my heart ever pure? Does the mind have the ability
to lie to itself
and fathom a universe more pleasing? My heart erupts like a carnivorous volcano;
It seeks the blood like that of Pompeii. |
|
|
Life seems to give you a rush, if you let it. It's amazing how high we can fly one moment before burning ourselves out, blaspheming our soul with mistakes that we never should have uttered, only to sift through the ashes we have crumpled into and rise again, same being, same soul, different mind. How strange that at one moment I would feel lethargic and unmoved, and then the next taste ambition with every intake of breath? What changed? I know what happens in my life physically, but what are the foundations and building blocks of growth made out of that come from life? If I was asked how I changed and why, is there even a legitimate answer? And since we are constantly changing and growing, whatever happens if we want to stop? Will that moment ever come when I am inherently content and at peace with myself, or will there always be something more, something better?
I can only say that I'm : |
 contemplative | |
|
|
If I had a choice... I wouldn't re-do a thing in the world. I wanted to put that down in writing. I wanted to put that someplace where I knew I would be able to find it and read it over again. Yes, I regret. Yes, I feel sorrow, and shame, and envy. And betrayal. But mostly from myself. Well, what if I could re-do everything? I would be more understanding. I would be more forgiving. I would not have listened to my mother. I would have been smarter. I wouldn't have made the same mistakes. I wouldn't have made the same mistakes. And I wouldn't be the person I am now because of them. THAT'S why I would not re-do a thing. I would not have taken back those mistakes. Even though I regret them. Even though I WISH I had never made them... I am still, masochistically glad I did. Now I know better. Oh, I'm not better yet. I never will be. |
|
|
It never really struck me before, but when it did, it hit really hard. My mom's side of the family really only consists of my grandma, since her brother is a cave-dwelling druggie. My dad's side of the family is my other grandma, whose mind is slowly giving away to dementia, the rest of the family is in so many places over the U.S. I can't even track them. I swear, I don't even know what my uncle looks like. The rest of them-- my stepmom's family and my stepdad's family-- aren't really family because they don't consider me family. My step-uncle's-wife was caught saying that she would be the first to give the Georlitz a grandson, and my stepmom was PISSED. She had completely disregarded my brother. There aren't any pictures of my brother and I anywhere near the step families. I feel really isolated, estranged from my friends because I live just outside a little backwater town. I don't even live IN a town. I guess, long story short, I'm venting anger about becoming an adult. Less presents than I normally get. Damn. Whatever. Next year I'll be able to drink myself into oblivion. Twenty is just a really useless age to be. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing to cry over, I don't even like most of these hillbillies. It was just kind of shocking that I've gone all this time without even noticing it.
But one thing I've noticed that I just can't really tolerate anymore is when a person can't see the love that they have right in front of them and continues to bitch and moan about problems that they refuse to deal with, for whatever reason. I hate it when my step-uncle's-wife comes over with the prized grandson hanging off her hip, because I know it's just going to be another bitch-story about how someone who lives just down the way did her wrong, but she never does anything about it but complain to other people who aren't going to do anything about it. But I'm not talking only about her. No one's problems are any more difficult than anyone else's, and it is sheer stupidity and selfishness to think that way. I understand that you need a shoulder to lean on, but what the hell are you doing when you turn everyone who loves you away?
Just stop. This goes out to me too. I know I've been wrong. I don't care what I lose, I can't be quiet about it anymore. People are losing the only families they have to diseases that they know that they will eventually have to succumb to as well, and we're crying over a broken piece of plastic, metal, or machinery? Crying about loneliness after spending the day with a good friend? I've done so many stupid things, but never apologized, and that's the stupidest of all. I only hope that the people I wronged can forgive me. No matter how empty or alone I am, I hope only that at the end of my days I have peace. That's it. I'm through. I'm done with this.
I'm casting it aside with my childhood, and everything in it.
I can only say that I'm : |
 pissed off | |
|
|
My dad has the new iPhone and is almost through with the new Harry Potter book. I have... a twelve page book report due August 14th on a book that I can't get through and a rapidly disintigrating pay check. Right now, I don't even have a cell phone (one tequila two tequila three tequila lost phone) He did at least read me an exerpt from the book: "Ron stared longingly at Harry's dead body." RON IN A NECROPHILIAC! I NEVER SAW IT COMING! Ha ha. I'm sure everyone else knows that's not really in the book. My dad did tell me that, though. Just rub it in. I WANNA SEE SUNSHINE!
Current Location: |
school |
I can only say that I'm : |
 amused |
Running through my head: |
none :( | |
|
|
| Your Inner European is Dutch! | 
Open minded and tolerant.
You're up for just about anything. |
Cool, I guess. I did, after all, slide down a tree on the riverwalk on Monday. Whee, shortcuts! I don't know what I'm in more shock about: that I actually did it, or that I did it without hurting myself.
I can only say that I'm : |
frustrated |
Running through my head: |
Maggie May= Rod Stewart | |
|
|
I think now-- right now-- is the time to stop talking about doing things and actually do them. And then I realized: I don't work today. I could totally sleep another two hours if I wanted to. So I did. And when I woke up I had the same realization again. Ok. I'm joking. That's obvious. The real reason is because if I actually did the things that I talk about doing I would just be wasting my time doing something that didn't really matter. Take this lj for instance- I'm going to post on it tomorrow. Now, I could actually post on it tomorrow, and waste a lot of time typing and waiting for the page to load, or I could just say I'm going to do it, and not do it, and have the same overall effect. And you could have simply said you were going to read the post instead of actually doing it, but now you've wasted a little fragment of your life. I hope all of you have come to the sad realization that, not that life is sad and pointless, but that Sanjaya is still on American Idol, and America's integrity as viewers diminishes just ever so little. I mean, for goodness sakes, they're going to make a movie about Anna Nichole Smith! The only thing that woman could do was take off her clothes and act like an idiot, yet her funeral process was more than any president got. Let's give the media a thunderous around of applause, ladies and gentlemen. They've turned me emo.
I can only say that I'm : |
 confused |
Running through my head: |
The Kill- Thirty Seconds To Mars | |
|
|
I GOT A JOB, LIEK OMG *WHEEZE* !!!!!!!! I am now a part time jewelry cashier at Sears, at the Barton Creek Mall. I'll probably only hold onto it for a week or two, though, because I got a better offer from H.E.B. Plus, it's closer. They're building one on I-35 in Kyle. I will be working cosmetics. I had to go through three interviews and a lot of hoop jumping (that did not involve a bedroom, but DID involve a rather battered box of pop-tarts). I guess it's a good thing I got a better offer from H.E.B, because clothes and expensive jewelry is on my list of 'holics. I would go crazy and broke at that mall. I already fell in love with two watches (one Seiko, one relic) that I've been absolutely salivating over for awhile now. Priorities. Priorities.
Current Location: |
Home |
I can only say that I'm : |
 accomplished |
Running through my head: |
Nadia Turner- You Don't Have To Say You Love Me | |
|
|
Will someone please tell me what the hell the 'Ides of March' is? I'm sure it has something to do with March, but nothing really strikes me as special about this month (yet), so I don't think I'm going to be able to figure it out on my own. I did at least find out the meaning of St. Patrick's day, which was tragically overdue, but better let then never, eh? On another note, I finally finished Final Fantasy XII. I don't know if it was the ending or just the fact that I finished the game, but I'm really depressed now. Which only makes me more depressed because it's a game.
I can only say that I'm : |
 gloomy | |
|
|
Okay, I've decided to stop being emo and stressed out for five minutes and name all the things in my life that I'm grateful for. I'm determined to convince myself that I'm a long way from rock bottom. This should be quick; I doubt that I have too long of a list. I'm grateful for my family, who will always be there for me (even if they won't pay for college).
I'm grateful for all of the opportunities that presented themselves to me, even if I didn't take full advantage of them all.
I'm grateful for all of the second chances, second impressions, and in general all of the do-overs I've ever gotten.
I'm grateful for distractions. Like Final Fantasy and Heroes.
I'm grateful for music and art, without which this world would be bleak and boring.
I'm grateful for the fact that I am still young and green and life as I know has really only just begun.
I'm grateful that, even if life as I know it will end tomorrow, there is a merciful and just Father for me to return home to.
I can only say that I'm : |
contemplative | |
|
|
I was spending all this time waiting through loading pages with dial up so I could get some livejournal icons for my new screen name, but alas, they all disappeared. Not that it matters, because I have no friends to write to. Not that it matters, because I don't really have time. Except that I could get away with saying that a week ago. Now I have all the time in the world. Because I'm jobless. Sadly not bill-less, so I'm hopeless. So much for less being more. However, "lucky are they that are poor, for the kingdom of heaven shall be theirs." I don't know how many times I've wished that I could go back in time and take back what I did or said, and while I am grateful that it is not every waking moment, it's very close to it and that dismays me. But I guess it's good that I am actually aware of how I fucked up, so maybe, just maybe, I won't do it again. I never question the unfortunate that finds its way to me, because I always know that in some way or another I deserved it and brought it upon myself, even if it was unintentional. Even if it was unintentional, it still happened. I miss you guys. For some of you, I miss who you used to be. As for myself, I'm just waiting for me to come around.
I can only say that I'm : |
 anxious | |
|
|
I'm turning my life around. Starting with my LJ name. This is officially the last post I shall make as perturbeddruid4, so everyone add phoenix_rose4 to their friends list. Basically, perturbeddruid4 has committed LJ suicide. I became so disgusted with myself and the way my life was going that I completely broke down and shattered the path that I was currently on, perhaps with the hope that it would forcefully careen me back on to the right one. I gave Gary my two weeks notice-- with no job to back me up and an apartment lease and car payments on the line. I have a funny feeling, however, that everything is going to end up fine. I hope that doesn't blow up in my face. I'm just... so angry at so many things, and I'm trying so hard to be patient and to understand, and be patient so more, but I can only bear so much, so I'm casting away all that I cannot bear. I've been sending out resumes like crazy. Wish me some luck.
Current Location: |
Dad's |
I can only say that I'm : |
anxious |
Running through my head: |
Johnny Cash- Ring of Fire | |
|
|
So I would be so freakin' happy about it being five o' clock and officially the end of all my classes until I decide to register in summer. Except that my History teacher lost ALL (except for my last one, which he hasn't had a chance to lose yet cause I just turned it in.) of my finals. So I will be badgering him until he either finds them or gives me a B by default. I'll except a B, though I should probably get an A because I cheated on all three exams. Don't look at me like that! The first and third time he stepped out of the classroom to have a cigarette and answers started flying around the class! There was no escape! And I couldn't just purposefully choose the wrong answer when I then knew the right one. Who does that? And the second time I missed class so he let me go in the library (while he went outside to smoke), and I just happened to have my History textbook with me. Thank you for smoking. And I'm also not quite jubilant about it being the last day of school because I don't have the internet. I COULD go to Javamotion, because they have Wi-Fi, but someone works there that I'm both scared to see again and scared to never see him again. I know. I'm a paradox. I'm feeling so confused right now I swear I just turned emo. But hey. At least I get fed on Tuesday. I think it's next Tuesday... I'm hungry.
I can only say that I'm : |
 exhausted | |
|
|
Ha ha. Somehow I foresaw that coming. How, I do not know. Man, I really want to see The Holiday. "Sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you twice.... and then linger the second time..." So, I'm taking off next semester. I finally took the hint from my body that things just weren't working out when I couldn't get out of bed, kept falling asleep, and kept eating everything I laid eyes on. I made some pretty disgusting looking concoctions.... and then ate them. But at least this time I know I'm not pregnant. I'm just going to focus on saving money, applying for scholarships, and finding a job more suited towards my major after my lease finally runs out. I can't believe all Texas State students under 21 are required to live either with their parents or on campus. Pissers. Thursday wasn't fun. For me. I got kicked out of a club. Again. I got sick, and saw the part of me that I thought I had successfully murdered, dismembered, and buried in several different places. "Demon bitch! This time you shall stay dead!" It could have been worse. I still maintain the faith that everything happens for a reason. As well as the newfound opinion that the professors at ACC are not University professors FOR A REASON.
I can only say that I'm : |
anxious | |
|
|
I am the worst manager EVER.
I can only say that I'm : |
amused | |
|
|
| Your Expression Number is 8 |
Driven and ambitious, you have the potential to reach great things.
You're both good with money and good at getting things done quickly.
You are an excellent leader and a great judge of character.
Full of energy and confidence, you undertake projects that seem impossible.
Dependable and determined, you are able to understand the bigger picture.
Even if you are not in a position of power right now, it will fall to you.
At times, you can be very materialistic - and obsessed with status and power.
While this isn't always a bad thing, you sometimes take it to the extreme.
In order to be truly happy, you must balance the material and spiritual in your life. |
Not quite sure how accurate that is, but my lucky number IS 8... So, apparently I look better with black hair. Apparently I HAD black hair... But that's the general comment. I'm thinking of dying it a darker red anyways. I amazed myself; with being blonde being such a big hot factor for guys, I didn't think any girl would look bad with the golden locks. Then again, I seem to accomplish many things that other people cannot do (and more importantly do not want to do), like my hand slipping off of the rag and landing on the side of the grill, or my hand slipping off of the rag and dropping the fry dump on my foot (we use rags a lot to protect our hands. In my case I use them to fuck with my nervous system. Gotta make sure those synapses are in good condition). But at least something amusing happens every once in awhile. After I locked myself out of my apartment I stayed with my manager, Nancy, who lives at the same apartment complex. Luckily she's the same size as me, because I had to borrow a uniform from her so I could go to work later that night. (Good thing I'm training to become a manager, too). Unfortunately, my ass is about three times bigger than hers, so the pants, which were stretchy and form fitting on her to begin with, clung to every curve. Which I guess is normally a good thing, but it's only uncomfortable at work. Especially when the female co-workers are obsessed with ass. At least they forgot about my hair :p. That's not the amusing part, though; I just got distracted. Later that night David was being an idiot, and using one of the empty bun trays as a "skateboard". While he was being an idiot, I took over grill, so I was standing behind him while he was scooting on the tray toward Irene, saying something like "I'll fight anyone here." I turned towards him and said "Fight me, then." and kicked the tray. Oh shit, the tray shot out from underneath him, and he fell backwards. I barely caught him, apologizing profusely. I really didn't mean for THAT to happen, I swear! I also popped him in the jaw later, too. I can't remember what exactly he said to me, but I remember my fist just shooting out and catching him in the jaw. Oh God. I hope there weren't any customers there to see a manager hitting their employee in the face, because that's exactly what it's going to look like. Whoops... I'm not that worried about it, though. Anybody who knows David probably won't even reprimand me. He's the type of annoying that you just shrug and assume that he deserved it.
I can only say that I'm : |
sick | |
|
|
I have a new baby cousin as of around eleven last night. Clayton Miller Georlitz. Coot as a button. He's going to be spoiled rotten, what with his grandmothers and aunts and uncles all living next to him.
Current Location: |
math class |
I can only say that I'm : |
 bored | |
|
|
I escaped from the Dungeon of Jediwitch!I killed Heartofcain the nymph and Ayane Tsurugi the cockatrice. I looted the Sword of Monty Python, a Figurine of Julesce, the Sceptre of It Figures, the Dagger of Goldelfwitch, the Axe of Hobbits, the Axe of Pippin Took, the Crown of Allimeri, the Sceptre of Perturbeddruid4, the Axe of Dark Hana, the Amulet of Ipod and 31 gold pieces. Score: 231 Explore the Dungeon of Jediwitch and try to beat this score, or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon... I really liked the part of the dungeon I found my sceptre in. A brightly lit bath house with tapestries of pirates. |
|
|
I GOT A CAR! WHEEEEE! OMG IT'S SO SPIFFY! Ok, I'll calm down. A tad. It's a Mazda3 and it's pretty and it's red. Normally I hate red cars, but it was the only one of it's kind and I just wanted it so bad that I told myself the color would grow on me. And what do you know? It has. It's actually a beautiful color, because it has an underlying gold hue. Very sparkly. It goes Zoom Zoom. I ALMOST didn't get it. Actually, I should probably rephrase that: I almost COULDN'T get it. It's going to be $249 a month, $130 for insurance, and that's not including warranty. Not a big deal right now, because I work about 40 hours a week, but it'll be a bitch when fall semester starts and I have to lower my hours down to 25 a week. It was 20. I had to pull a lot of strings and go through A LOT of lectures. I felt 12 again. But at least I have something to show for it this time. My first choice was the Nissan Altima, which was way out of my financial league. I didn't notice it until the day after I bought my car, but one of my managers drives a silver Nissan Altima. I get to see my dream car every day that I work with her. Yay. So now I have a new car, a new phone, and pretty Disney checks to pay all the bills off with. I'll probably be transferring to Texas State after I get my core classes out of the way at ACC, because I won't be able to afford to live on my own, unless I go back to 40 hours a week on top of a full time student class schedule.
I can only say that I'm : |
 content | |
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
perturbeddruid4's journal
